closure 10-10-08

05:23am

TP luxur

Its saturday morning. I rendered voluntary time out 2 hours before the end of my shift. I am waiting for Makee and Priscy and I perfectly know they will not appear until 07am so I decided to just surf the net looking for nothing. I am lucky to be seated in a very comfy chair. I got up first and brought a cup of coffee with me. While browsing I was reminded of the cases I need to digest due for finals. I have three major exams next week I have not touched anything yet. No reading, no reviews. I thought I really have to study when I arrive in my untidy dormitory. My room is not that organized but that was my sanctuary for 8 months now. But before anything else I just need to get a couple things off my chest so hopefully I can get some work done instead of being distracted for the rest of the day. I’m not sure this is even needed, but I thought this is the polite thing to do. In my situation all I need is to be honest with myself. I need to pamper and embrace myself just to make it feel it is okay, and I will be. I never wished that we would end up where we are today. To be honest, with the way our story began, I never thought it could possibly end like this. But I realize now that it has to, if for no other reason than because it simply cannot go on in this way. I’m very tired, and don’t know if I will be able to write everything I feel clearly so I will try. I really wish for once we could talk in real life. I was pretty crushed myself when I realized the man I was in love with wouldn’t be my friend, wouldn’t be there for me, wouldn’t talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling, and just wanted to get the fuck away from me. I can’t blame him of his decision. He suffered a lot. He dealt with my bipolar disorder (ngek). And finally got tired of me. I can’t understand myself why I still write these things. Though honestly I am falling in love with Makee now I still can’t help thinking of the past. Well maybe because we just broke up not less than a month and I have already involved myself in a new relationship. With due respect to Makee, he is so gracious and sweet. He is the guy impossible to find as the song says. ♥ Well maybe I just need to express everything I feel. For the last time.

I stumbled on this break up letter. I don’t know how to write what exactly I feel. As I read the words it seem I was the one who wrote it. I hope he has moved on, and all these stupid things I write would end now. My friend is completely right about, that there’s no switch that you can turn off over night. If someone can do that they are obviously not in love or not human. I was in love, broken, and hoping for a closure. And so I hope this is it.

Here’s the letter…

You walked in and with one glance, you swept me off my feet. Your grandiose promises, your fancy words, and your visions of the future – of a future including me – infiltrated my boundaries and before I knew it – you had become a staple in my every day life.My routines no longer consisted of just myself. I now considered and accommodated your schedule and began putting your needs, your priorities before my own. Since you had shown me such devotion, I thought it only fair to do the same in return.

Yet, after a few months – you came tumbling down from that pedestal I had placed you on. Your slight flaws became major and your inconsistency began to waver my faith. And your bad decisions had an irreparable & detrimental effect on me, on us.

I held on. I forgave. I looked the other way. I defended you to my friends and left out the full story to my family. I fought for what was important to me, yet conceded in the end. I cried. I had sleepless nights. I contemplated whether I was asking for too much. I tortured myself with such self-criticism that I began to feel less than what I really was.

And you kept pushing. Your behavior improved on such a temporary basis that everyone knew… even myself… of the writing on the wall. Yet, the inevitable never made it any easier to finally tell you what I had known for a while…

One of my best friends sent me the best e-mail. She told me that ultimately, until I realize that you are just not right for me, I will continue to take you back. And then the very next day, you screwed up once again. And even though we weren’t ‘together’ officially, it was still enough to show that the old adage is oh-so-true. People do not change. And if they do, they must do it on their own because they want to of their own accord – not because it’s necessary for a relationship.

Maybe if the relationship meant the world to that person, they could really change for it. But unfortunately, in our instance, this does not seem to be the case.

And this is why I bid you adieu. Because you just aren’t right for me. Regardless of how much I miss you and still love you, nothing will make you the right person for me.

What I dread is the emptiness… Of having to go through the whole process again of meeting someone whose chest I can lay my head on and will fit just right in the nook of his shoulder… and I will finally forget how it felt to lay in yours. Because until that happens… you will still be a staple in my life – even as a memory.

Published in: on December 16, 2008 at 5:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

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